The Me in my Head

I wish people could know and see that me that's in my head. That me is confident, can sing and dance, speaks french fluently, always speaks crystal clear, and isn't worried if the "cool" people don't like her. Too bad the real me falls so short of all those things.

Fragile, terrified, vulnerable, exposed.

Gosh, why am I so terrified?

Fits like a Glove

Wow. I have a boy friend who will build houses with me on The Sims, drive around the Avenues looking at cool old houses, swim in kiddy pools with me, let me pretend I'm a cat/join in, make home made pizza's, listen/watch me sing "oh my darling" with a snorkel mask and goggles on, read scriptures every night, and spend hours playing with my cat. Not to mention when he kisses me it gives me the feeling like I'm on a roller coaster. Could I adore him more? I think not (yet I do more and more each day). He fits me like a glove. Ah, bliss.

Plus he fixes my car, my computer, and is an incredible cuddler. What a babe. Bah!

Mission: Staying White aka My Hawaiian Adventure!

Flying: Day 1

[traveling day traumas]

My entire flying experience was tainted from watching the movie "Taken" every time someone asked me where I was going or what I plan on doing or why I was alone....I got really paranoid and started giving out false information suspecting everyone of selling me into white slavery or to WalMart or something. While waiting in LA for the plane to Hawaii I saw one of the funniest things and had to take a picture. I don't know why I thought it was so funny, kinda pathetic really... A little boy was pulling a rolly Winny The Pooh bag with a Maxim magazine popping out the top. . . awkward. So, flying was fun. I was bouncing up and down and kept looking out the window. I happen to be sitting next to a local Hawaiian who thought this was very funny.

When I got off the plane I was disappointed not only that I didn't get flowers put around my neck but that no one was there to pick me up. I wasn't too stressed out because, well, I'm in Hawaii getting lost or having some sort of random adventure would just be really exciting! I eventually figured it out and got to my Hotel and knocked out 9:00 Hawaiian time....crazy, wild me.

My First day in Hawaii: Day 2

[Beaches, Buses and Blind Music Ministers]

I got up about 7:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I found a cockroach in my sink and named him "Jaun" (I don't care if that's not the right spelling Mark!). Then I killed him.

I road the bus for three hours (one transfer point) and finally made it to the other side of the island to Carrie! We sat on the beach all day and talked.

Then I road the bus home and talk to a blind man who was like in his 60's. He was headed to Radio Shack to buy a radio so that people could contact him since he runs a "Protection Agency." He also informed me that if you relax your mind and al ine your chi that no one can physically hurt you. He is also a music Minister so, if you need protection, inspiration and self defense lessons turn into channel 13 on your radio shack radio. . . Needless to say it was a fun ride home. He asked me to take his picture with my phone, I don't know why but now I have a picture of him on my phone.

On the way back to my hotel after I talked to my friend, I'm the only one on the bus and the driver pulls over and tells me he's taking a five minute break. Yay for Hawaii!

After I got off the bus I got lost. Direction was never my strongest suit. I called Carrie and she helped my find my way back to the Hotel via googlemaps. I was starving but forgot to go the ABC store to get silverware and stuff so I used two pens as chop sticks. Yay for my weirdness!

Inadequate

"Sometimes another person's energy can feel like excess baggage we can't afford to carry. It's as though we're trying to lift a plane, and too much weight just isn't an option during take-off. Once the plane is in the sky, however, the situation can seem to change dramatically. Where it felt before like we couldn't take off if another person was weighing us down, it now begins to feel as though holding a plane in the sky is too big a job for one person. And that's what partners are: two people carrying the same load, two wings on the same plane, two people doing a job that is too big for one person to do alone." --Marianne Williamson


I feel inadequate. [No one will understand this blog.]I stumbled into something that I love but over whelms me. I'm scared. I could never fill shoes like that. I am selfish, I am greedy. I'm naive and help no one. I'm so disgusted with myself. Why would anyone love that? I'm so terrified of the bad but especially of the good. I don't deserve it. My heart is crying. Let me take some of your pain away. Let this selfish person take some of your pain away.


...and the rambling dies down.

I am grateful, I don't know why you care but I'm so glad you do. I don't know why you're here but I'm not going to question it, not now, now when I'm so happy. Can the pain dissolve? Can we transform together to be better people? My heart ticks like a clock and I hear the echos of dreams that long to reach past myself into the hearts of others. My sister can I catch up? Do you know me too? Am I insane? yes. sometimes. Oh, life. Oh, joy. Let me live in the joy and know that nothing else matters. For I am small and in a way, inadequate and cannot understand the workings of Gods, not yet anyway.

A love to Rival All Loves or Dating is Communism

I've been thinking about what a good theory dating is on paper--kinda like socialism or better yet, communism. Communism is a good idea on paper but when tested doesn't really work, that is what dating is. Dating is communism. It doesn't work in real life situations. Guys don't always, or generally, or in my experience, the right guys don't walk up to girls (the right girls) and ask them on dates. Not to mention the man in question doesn't usually happen to be wonderful for that girl. It doesn't work that way, it may on paper but in reality it's awkward and clumsy. People aren't themselves and when they are the other person usually just gets intimidated. No, I refuse to believe that people who have REAL love, love that rivals all loves of the past fall in love by this silly thing called "dating."



I believe that rather than this silly game of match making we play that love happens in a moment. A little happy accident takes you off your beaten path, a sudden realization about a very close friend tells you that you actually love them, or you fall right into their path or he or she falls into yours. Love comes from a place in our hearts that draws us to that beloved and we must surrender to it. We cannot stay away for we have to know everything about that person once we meet for they fascinate us to no end. A love to rival all loves is not manufactured by false "romance" but creates its own romance therefore dating can be a contrived way to kill romance and the deepest form of love. We must keep dancing our own dance, keep spontaneity always, and prepare for that moment because you wont know what hit you. And don't worry, dating is stupid.



you being in love

by ee cummings



you being in love

will tell who softly asks in love,



am i separate from your body smile brain hands merely

to become the jumping puppets of a dream? oh i mean:

entirely having in my careful how

careful arms created this at length

inexcusable, this inexplicable pleasure--you go from several

persons: believe me that strangers arrive

when i have kissed you into a memory

slowly , oh seriously

--that since and if you disappear



solemnly

myselves

ask "life, the question how do i drink dream smile



and how do i prefer this face to another and

why do i weep eat sleep--what does the who intend"

they wonder. oh and they cry "to be, being, that i am alive

with everything cancelled

but shadows

--what does it all come down to? love? Love

if you like and i like, for the reason that i

hate people and lean out of this window is love, love

and the reason that i laugh and breathe is oh love and the reason

that i do not fall into the street is love."

The Special Ones

This is a journal entry I'd like to share(advice to myself and who ever else needs it):

March 21st, 2009

"...What if we all are special glowing people that were just bursting with love and passion but we all walked around wearing masks? We walk around hiding this glowing, Godly person waiting for another to reveal itself first so we can say, "hey look! I'm special too!" We all buy into this game but, when those of us dare to take off the mask and dance, embracing who we really are, the masked ones are frightened and seek after other mask wearers. The special ones are left alone for a time because the masked are too frightened of who they really could be. The trick is for these special glowing people to not shrink because the others leave but to keep dancing because you may inspire another to shed his mask and join you. --Keep dancing. "

A Step

I'm taking the step today,
after tonight I will be one step closer to whatever it is and one step further away from whoever I was,
I am taking the step today.

I'm shedding that old skin and diving into the waters of a world full of unknowns, promises, failures, and futures. A world of love and anger, a world of hot and cold. The trick is to find the warmth between the two but enjoy the extremes when they come.

I am taking the step today. Today.

After today I will be one step closer to you God, and one step further from the me I am today. I will be one step closer to you and to the woman that I seek, the woman who I long to be. I'm taking that step.

But

when I can't walk any further Lord, will you step towards me? When I can't do any more, when I am lost, will you find me?

I will take that step.